What is a shallow person? Shallow vs deep in friends and partners

A shallow person is someone who seems to stay on the surface and avoid serious thoughts or feelings. But what looks like the surface to one person can be another person's way of caring.

An example: on Friday evenings, Priya, Jess and Owen meet at the pale blue food truck by the park. They've been friends since a pottery class five years ago. This Friday, Jess spent twenty minutes on a story about her neighbor's cat, who had learned to open the fridge. She told it with both hands in the air, doing the cat's face. Owen laughed so hard he dropped a fry. Priya smiled and ate her taco. She had wanted to talk about whether to take the new job in another city, and the evening ended before she found a gap. On the walk to the bus, she said to Owen, "Jess is fun, but she's a bit shallow, isn't she?" Owen thought about it. "She came at eight in the morning to help you move," he said. "She wrapped your grandmother's teacups before anything else, because she knew they mattered most."

Jess shows depth in what she does more than in what she says. Priya looks for it in long talks.

What people mean by shallow

When someone calls a friend or partner shallow, they usually mean one or more of these:

• They keep the talk light and change the subject when it gets serious.
• They seem more interested in fun and plans than in feelings or ideas.
• They don't ask much about your inner life, or don't seem to remember what you told them.
• Their opinions change with the crowd.
• They move on quickly from things that hurt others for weeks.

Shallow is a different complaint from negative or boring. A negative person brings the mood down, a boring one leaves you with nothing to talk about, and a shallow one, in the eyes of the person using the word, never lets the talk go anywhere that matters.

Why light talk can look shallow

People go deep in different ways. Some do it in words: long talks at night, big questions, "what do you really want?" Others do it in action: showing up, remembering, fixing things, making you laugh on a bad day. A person who goes deep in words can easily miss the depth of someone who goes deep in action, and the other way round.

Timing plays a part too. Jess may love serious talks one on one and still keep things light in a group of three on a Friday night. Many people do. And some people use humor to get close. A long funny story can be a gift: this is me relaxed, with you.

How different types see depth

Personality shapes what feels deep and what feels empty. Here's how eight of the 16 types tend to see it.

• Vitalizer keeps the mood up with stories and jokes. They can look light, yet they're often the first to notice who's quiet and pull them in.
• Analyst loves ideas and long questions. Small talk can feel empty to them, and they may seem distant to people who love it.
• Mentor wants talks about feelings and meaning. Light chat can seem shallow to them, even when it's someone's way of being warm.
• Dreamer is drawn to quiet, thoughtful talk about moods and what might happen. A loud group tires them quickly.
• Diplomat is social and quick to sense the mood in a room. They can look like all surface while reading people closely.
• Strategist doesn't like chatter for its own sake. They think a long way ahead and may say little until they have something worth saying.
• Counselor values sincerity and inner life. They open up one on one and often feel lost in big, noisy groups.
• Encourager jumps from topic to topic out of curiosity about people. It can look scattered, but they often see things in others nobody else has noticed.

So Priya and Jess may simply look for depth in different places, and neither of them has to change for that. It's enough to notice.

Signs of depth that don't show in conversation

If you're not sure whether someone is shallow, watch what they do over time.

• They show up. At the move, at the airport at six in the morning, at the boring part of the party when someone needs help with dishes.
• They remember. Your sister's name, the job interview, the teacups.
• They keep promises, even small ones.
• They change their mind when they learn something new, not when the crowd does.
• They're the same with you alone as in a group, even if the group version is louder.
• They let you see them on a bad day.

Some people who look shallow are actually holding back. A quiet person may say little and feel a lot, and shyness can make someone stick to safe topics with people they don't know well yet.

Shallow vs deep in friends and partners

In friendship, a light friend can be exactly what you need. Not every friend has to be the one you call at midnight. A friend like Jess brings fun and practical help, and you might go to someone else for long talks. Problems start only if you need depth from a friend who never offers it in any form, or if you feel you can't bring anything serious to them at all.

With a partner, you expect more, because you share more. Deep vs shallow personality isn't the real question there. What matters is whether your partner can be there for you in the way you need, and whether you can say so when they aren't. Couples where one loves long talks and the other shows love by doing things can do well once both learn the other's way. What you're looking for, in friends and partners, is someone who's real with you, whatever their style.

When the word gets aimed at you

If someone has called you shallow, it's worth a moment's thought without getting defensive. Ask what they meant. Maybe they wanted a serious talk and you kept joking. Maybe they don't see the things you do for people. Both can be true.

Nobody's asking you to turn into someone else. You can say, "I'm not great at long talks in a group, but I'm happy to go for a walk and talk properly." You can also ask the people close to you how they feel cared for, and add a bit of their way to yours.

Before the next Friday

Priya kept thinking about the teacups. She decided to ask Jess for a walk next week, just the two of them.

See how you and your friends show depth

Some people show depth in long talks and others in what they do, and type explains part of the difference. Take the free personality test to get your type, good sides and weak spots both. Send the friend you may have misjudged the link from your result. Once they have answered, the relationship type between you shows where you fit easily and where you'll need patience.

Questions people ask

What does it mean when a person is shallow?

It usually means they seem to stay on the surface: light talk, little interest in feelings or ideas, and opinions that follow the crowd.

Is a shallow person bad?

Not necessarily. Many people called shallow are simply light in conversation and deep in what they do. It can be a mismatch rather than a flaw.

What is the difference between a shallow and a deep personality?

People call someone deep when they enjoy serious thoughts and feelings, and shallow when they seem to avoid them. Many people are some of both, depending on the setting.

How can you tell if someone is shallow?

Watch what they do over time. Do they show up, remember and keep promises? Someone who does is rarely shallow, whatever they talk about.

Can shallow people change?

People don't need to change their style, but anyone can learn to listen more, ask better questions and make room for serious talks now and then.

Sources

• Dictionary.com, "shallow". The sense "lacking depth; superficial," used of a mind or a person.

Written by Virko Kask, founder of Typeza
Written with the help of AI tools.