What doesn't kill you makes you stronger: meaning and who said it

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" means that getting through something hard leaves you tougher than before. The line comes from the German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche, who wrote it in 1888. Is it true? Sometimes. Plenty of hard things just leave people tired, and how they come out of it often depends on who was there to help.

Nietzsche's line, and how it traveled

Nietzsche put it in a short book called Twilight of the Idols, in a list of sharp one-line remarks near the start. His version is a little different from the one people say now:

"Out of life's school of war: what does not kill me makes me stronger."

He wrote the book in 1888 and it came out in 1889, so you'll see both years. He wrote "me," about himself, and the line reads more like a dare than a comfort. Somewhere along the way it became "you," and people began to hand it to each other like a pat on the back.

It has stayed popular ever since. Kelly Clarkson's 2011 song "Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You)" turned it into a sing-along, and many people know the chorus long before they hear of Nietzsche. You'll also hear "what doesn't break you makes you stronger" and "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger." They mean the same thing.

Twelve falls on the ice

An example: Wren decides at 41 that she will finally learn to skate. Her friend Joss has skated since she was small, so on a cold evening they go to the little rink in the town square, with a string of lights over the ice. Wren falls twelve times in the first hour. She counts out loud. Around fall seven she lies on her back looking up at the lights and says, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Joss skates over, says, "Or just bruised," and holds out her hand. By the end of the evening Wren makes one full lap without touching the wall.

Is she stronger? Her knees aren't. What changed is smaller and better. She's stopped minding how silly she looks, and she knows Joss will be there when she goes down.

Is it true?

Partly. In one large US study from 2010, people who had been through some hard events in their lives were doing better than both those who had been through none and those who had been through a great many. More hardship overall still went with lower well-being, and the study couldn't show cause and effect.

Getting through a first winter in a new city, a move across the country or a painful breakup can show you that you cope better than you thought, and next time you remember that. Plenty of hard things just wear people out, though. A long run of bad luck can leave someone tired and a bit less sure of themselves.

A common view is that what comes after matters a lot: help, some rest and time to make sense of it. So the honest version might be this: what doesn't kill you sometimes makes you stronger, especially if someone holds out a hand.

When the saying lands well

The line works best when people say it about themselves, once the hard part is behind them. Wren could say it lying on the ice because she chose to be there and she was laughing.

It also fits between old friends looking back. "Remember the move with no elevator and the sofa that wouldn't fit? What doesn't kill you." Said like that, it's a shared joke about something you got through together.

It can be a good thing to tell yourself before something scary you picked on purpose, like a first race, a speech at a wedding or a long trip alone. If that's where you are, these ideas on how to be brave go further.

When to keep it to yourself

Said to someone in the middle of a bad time, the line can sting. It sounds like "this is good for you," and nobody wants to hear that while they're still mopping up.

Say a pipe bursts in Ana's flat. Her upstairs neighbor stands in the doorway, watches her lift wet boxes and says, "Well, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Ana has no wish to be stronger that day. She wants someone to carry the other end of the box.

A good rule is that if they're still in it, you skip the saying. The same goes for every cloud has a silver lining and other lines that look on the bright side too early.

Kinder lines for a friend's rough month

When a friend is going through something hard, plain words usually help more than a famous one:

• "That sounds exhausting. I'm sorry it's been so much."
• "You don't have to be strong about this right now."
• "Want me to come over, or would you rather talk on the phone?"
• "I can't fix it, but I can bring dinner on Thursday."
• "You've got through hard weeks before, and I was there for those too."
• "Tell me when you want to talk about something else entirely."

If they want something to hold on to, this too shall pass is gentler, because it promises an end and asks nothing of them.

Who bounces back by talking, and who by going quiet

Everyone gets through a hard stretch in their own way. Typeza sees personality type as part of that. Nine of the 16 types:

• Harmonizer gets back on their feet through small comforts, like a warm room, good food and a friend on the sofa.
• Vitalizer needs a warm response. Silence and waiting wear them out, so a friend who calls back helps a lot.
• Mentor wants to talk the whole thing over with someone who really listens, often more than once.
• Commander gets moving at once and fixes what can be fixed. Waiting for things to sort themselves out wears them down.
• Dreamer needs a calm mood and time at their own pace. Hurry them, and they stall.
• Entrepreneur turns a setback into a plan and may be on to the next thing before anyone else has caught up.
• Guardian leans on the few people they trust. Practical help, like sorting out a form, means more to them than a pep talk.
• Counselor remembers everyone else's hard week and asks how it went. Their own practical messes weigh on them for days, so hands-on help means a lot.
• Craftsman works it out with their hands, by fixing something, building something or going for a long ride.

If a friend copes the opposite way from you, it's easy to offer the help you would want instead of the help they need. Ask which kind they'd like.

How you bounce back, and who helps you do it

Type is often part of how you get through a hard time, and of what you need from the people close to you. With Typeza, you and someone close to you can see the relationship type you make, including how you tend to support each other. The free personality test comes first, and after it you can invite a friend or your partner.

Questions people ask

Who said what doesn't kill you makes you stronger?

Friedrich Nietzsche, in Twilight of the Idols, written in 1888. In German it reads "Was mich nicht umbringt, macht mich stärker."

Is it what doesn't break you makes you stronger?

You'll hear that version too. The original says kill, and the meaning is the same.

Sources

• Dictionary.com, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger". Nietzsche's 1888 line in German and English, and Kelly Clarkson's 2011 song.
• Wikiquote, "Twilight of the Idols". Maxims and Arrows, number 8; written in 1888, published in 1889.
• Seery, Holman and Silver, "Whatever does not kill us," Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (2010), as reported by the University at Buffalo. In 2,398 US adults, some past hardship went with better well-being than none or a lot.

Written by Virko Kask, founder of Typeza
Written with the help of AI tools.