Questions to ask your friends about yourself, and how to hear the answers

The best questions to ask your friends about yourself are short, concrete and open. What did you think of me when we first met? When do I seem happiest? What is one thing I don't see about myself? Friends see habits and sides of you that you can't see from the inside, and many will tell you if you ask in the right way.

An example: it is late at the end of a long dinner, and someone at the table says, "Okay, everyone has to tell Marco one thing he doesn't know about himself." Marco laughs, then hears three things he did not expect. The funniest is that he hums when he cooks. The one that stays with him is that he always says "I'm fine" when he isn't, and all three friends noticed years ago.

Why ask your friends about yourself?

You see yourself from the inside: your intentions, your worries, the version of you in your head. Your friends see what actually comes out. Most of the surprises are in the gap between the two.

Asking can show you strengths you take for granted, habits that bother people you love, and the parts of you that come through even when you think you are hiding them. It also tends to bring friends closer. Asking someone how they see you is a small act of trust.

Honest questions to ask your friends about yourself

These are for a real conversation. Pick two or three, not all of them.

1. What did you think of me when we first met?
2. How would you describe me to someone who has never met me?
3. When do I seem happiest?
4. What is something I am better at than I think?
5. What do I do that you would miss if I stopped?
6. What is one habit of mine that drives you a little crazy?
7. What do I say I want, but never do?
8. Which topic makes my face light up?
9. How do I act when I'm stressed?
10. What is something you think I should try?
11. Which of our friends am I most like, and why?
12. What is one thing about me that I don't seem to see?

Question 4 is a good one to start with. People find it easy to answer, and the answers are often a surprise. If you are working on a list of your strengths and weaknesses, this is the best place to start the strengths column.

Fun questions to ask your friends about yourself

These work well in a group, on a long drive or as a "how well do you know me" game. They are light, and they still tell you a lot about how people see you.

• What is my usual order at a café?
• What would I grab first if the house were on fire?
• What would I do with a free Saturday and no plans?
• Which movie character am I most like?
• What is my most used phrase?
• What am I weirdly good at?
• What would I be famous for?
• Which animal am I?
• What would my dream holiday be?
• If I came with a warning label, what would it say?

Keep score if you like. The friend who gets the most right wins, and you find out who has been paying attention.

Questions to ask your best friend about yourself

A best friend has seen you at your worst and your best, so you can go deeper. Ask these when you have time and some quiet, not in a busy bar.

• When did you know we would be close?
• What do I bring to our friendship that nobody else does?
• When have I been a good friend to you, and when haven't I?
• How have I changed since we met?
• What would you never want me to change?
• What do you worry about for me?
• What is something you have wanted to tell me but didn't?

Expect to answer the same questions back. With a best friend, this kind of talk tends to become a night you both remember. What makes a best friend looks at why some friendships get this close. To ask about your friend's life for a change, see these questions to ask your best friend.

How to ask without making it awkward

Out of nowhere, "So, what do you really think of me?" can make anyone nervous. A little setup helps.

• Pick the right moment. A long walk, a car ride or the end of a dinner works better than a quick text.
• Say why you are asking. "I'm trying to see myself a bit more clearly, and you know me well" is enough.
• Start light, go deeper later. Begin with a fun question, then move to an honest one.
• Ask a few people, a few questions each. Two or three questions per friend is plenty.
• Offer to answer theirs. It turns a test into a conversation.
• Make it a group game. Everyone answers one question about everyone else, and nobody is on the spot alone.

With a newer friend, give it time. These questions work best once you know each other, and getting to know someone comes first.

How to listen to what your friends say about you

The asking is easy. The listening is the hard part, especially when an answer stings.

• Say thank you first. Before anything else, and before you explain.
• Don't argue. Even if it feels wrong, hold your reply for a day.
• Ask for an example. "When did you notice that?" turns a vague label into something you can use.
• Look for what comes up twice. One friend's answer is a view. The same answer from two friends is probably true.
• Remember the answer says something about them too.

Friends notice what they care about. A Vitalizer friend will notice when you go quiet, because they keep an eye on how everyone feels. An Inspector friend will notice that you are always ten minutes late. A Strategist friend will notice the risk you didn't think about. Each of them is right, and each is looking from where they stand.

Why each friend sees a different you

You are not quite the same person with every friend. One friend brings out your silly side, another your serious side, and with a third you somehow end up arguing about everything. They are all seeing the real you, just a different part of it.

Part of the reason is personality. In Typeza, the way two people's types fit together is called a relationship type, and there are 16 of them. With some people you feel understood without trying. With others you get along well but never quite go deep. Types of friends walks through the most common kinds. If you want more ways to look at yourself, how to find yourself has questions to ask yourself as well.

See how your friend sees you

Your friends' answers are one half of the picture. Your personality type is another. The free friendship compatibility test asks you to pick between two statements, again and again, until a pattern shows. The result tells you your type and your position on four base traits, and the free profile of that type lays out its strengths and its hard spots. Put it next to what your friends said and notice where the two agree. Seeing it takes no account.

Then send the same test to a friend from your result. Once your friend finishes, both types appear side by side along with the relationship type you make together.

Questions people ask

What is a deep question to ask a friend about yourself?

"What is something you have wanted to tell me but didn't?" is one of the deepest. Ask it only when you have time, and when you are ready to hear the answer.

How do I get honest feedback from friends?

Explain why you are asking, choose a calm moment and thank them for whatever they say. People are more honest when they see you won't get defensive.

What if I don't like what my friends say about me?

Wait a day before you reply. Then ask for an example. If two friends say the same thing, take it seriously. If only one does, it may say more about them.

How many friends should I ask?

Three is a good number: an old friend, a newer one and someone who knows you in a different setting. Their answers together give a fuller picture than any one of them alone.

Written by Virko Kask, founder of Typeza
Written with the help of AI tools.