How to get to know someone: steps, questions, and how long it takes

You get to know someone by spending regular time with them, asking about what matters to them and listening to the answers. Facts come quickly: their job, their dog's name, their favorite pizza. How they think, what they care about and how they act when things go wrong come slowly, and only with time together. Some people feel familiar after one evening, while others stay a mystery for years.

What speeds it up

A few things help:

• See them often. Short, regular meetings do more than one long evening a month.
• Do things together. A walk, a meal you cook together or a small trip shows you how someone behaves, not only what they say.
• Ask about stories, not facts. "How did you end up in this city?" opens more than "Where are you from?"
• Share something back. People tend to open up to people who open up. Match their pace and do not turn it into an interview.
• Notice the small things. Remember what they told you last time and ask about it. It shows you were listening.
• See them in different settings. With their friends, when they are tired, when a plan falls apart. That is where you learn the most.

Questions to ask to get to know someone

Good questions are open, a little personal and easy to answer. They invite a story, not a yes or a no. A few to start with:

• What did you want to be when you were a kid?
• What is something you are looking forward to this month?
• How do you like to spend a free Sunday?
• What is something most people get wrong about you?
• Who in your life has shaped you the most?
• What would you do with a free year?

For a longer list, sorted from a first chat to real trust, see questions to get to know someone.

Ask one at a time and follow the answer where it goes. The follow up question ("Why that?" or "What happened next?") often tells you more than the first one. In a group, a round of two truths and a lie gets those stories going fast.

How to get to know someone over text

Text is a fine place to start, and a hard place to finish. You can learn what someone likes and how they joke. You cannot learn how they act when they are tired or how they treat a waiter.

• Ask one open question at a time, not a list.
• Answer their questions with a real story, not a single word.
• Share small things from your day, like a photo, a song or a funny moment.
• Let the conversation breathe. Nobody needs to reply within a minute.
• Move to a call or a meeting once it flows. A ten minute call often does more than a week of messages.

How long does it take to get to know someone?

There is no fixed number. You can learn the basics about someone in a few meetings. A 2018 University of Kansas study found it takes about 50 hours together to go from acquaintance to casual friend, about 90 hours to become friends and more than 200 hours to become close friends. Seeing someone through a hard moment, a move or a long trip can speed it up.

It also depends on the person. Some people open up fast and share a lot at once. Others need time before they trust you, and that has little to do with how much they like you.

How to get to know someone better

Sometimes you want to know a familiar person better. It might be a friend you see often, a partner of five years or a sibling you grew up with, and you feel you only know the surface.

• Ask the questions you never asked, about their childhood, their worries and what they hope for in ten years.
• Do something new together. New places bring out new sides of people.
• Ask them to teach you something they love.
• Spend time one to one, not only in a group.
• Now and then, ask how they see you. People often open up more after you have shown that kind of trust.

How to get to know someone again

After years apart, a fight or a big change in someone's life, you may need to start over. Treat it as meeting a new person who shares your history. Ask what has changed for them, listen without comparing it to who they used to be, and give it time.

Why are some people easy to get to know and others take years?

How fast it goes depends partly on the pair. In socionics, the idea behind Typeza, any two personality types form one of 16 relationship types, and each has its own pace. Some pairs feel familiar at once, while others open up only through shared work or long talks. Four made-up examples show the range.

The person you feel you have known for years

A Commander and a Diplomat met at a friend's barbecue and talked until the last guest left. They want the same things from life, a full, active one with good food and good people, and each got the other's motives at once. Then they tried to plan a weekend trip together, and each wanted it done their own way. This is Kindred: you feel known very fast, and the closeness stops growing when you start doing things together. They get to know each other best by doing things side by side, each in charge of their own part.

The person who is easy company and hard to know

An Analyst and an Organizer live on the same street and walk their dogs together most evenings. Time together is restful, and they help each other with plenty of practical things. After a year, the Analyst realized he still had no idea what his neighbor wanted from life. When they touch on big questions, they seem to talk past each other. This is Mirage, where calm comes easily and depth does not. Here getting to know each other means asking the big question on purpose and listening to an answer that sounds strange at first.

The person you only get to know through shared tasks

A Harmonizer and a Dreamer joined the same community garden. They work side by side every Saturday, and it goes smoothly, because they go about the work in a similar way. They know each other's habits well and very little about each other's inner life. This is Business: easy cooperation, and closeness that rarely comes on its own. If they want more, they need to add it on purpose, like a coffee after the work and one question that has nothing to do with tomatoes.

The person who is just like you

Two Counselors met in a book club and felt understood within minutes. They read people the same way, need the same quiet after a busy week and laugh at the same things. Getting to know each other feels like looking in a mirror. Two people of one type form an Identity pair. The understanding is instant, and so is the shared blind spot. They learn about each other quickly, and they learn little that is new.

Duality, the relationship type where each person fills the other's biggest gap, often works the other way. At first the other person can seem ordinary or hard to read. The more time you spend together, the more you notice that what they do gladly is exactly what you need. It is a relationship you get to know slowly, and it grows with closeness.

No pattern makes one person better to know than another. What changes is how fast the same effort pays off.

Which kind of pair are you two?

Getting to know someone is easier when you know which pattern you are in. Start with the free compatibility test. At the end you see your type, and from your result you can send the link to the person you want to know better. When they are done, you will both know your relationship type, with what tends to come fast between you and what takes longer. For more on new friendships, read making friends as an adult.

Questions people ask

What is the best way to get to know someone?

Spend regular time with them, ask open questions about what matters to them and share something about yourself in return. Doing things together teaches you more than talking alone.

What should I ask to get to know someone?

Open questions that invite a story: what they wanted to be as a kid, who shaped them, what they do on a free day, what they are looking forward to. Follow up on the answers. There are more, grouped by how well you know the person, in questions to get to know someone.

Can you get to know someone over text?

You can learn a lot about what they like and how they think. You learn much more once you meet or call, so move there when the conversation flows.

How long should you know someone before dating them?

There is no rule. Many people like to know someone for a few weeks or months, as friends or through a few dates, before calling it a relationship. What matters is that you both feel ready.

Sources

• University of Kansas, "How to make friends? Study reveals how many hours it takes": about 50 hours to a casual friend, 90 to a friend and more than 200 to a close friend.

Written by Virko Kask, founder of Typeza
Written with the help of AI tools.