Beggars can't be choosers: meaning, and taking help without feeling small

"Beggars can't be choosers" means that when you get help or something for free, you take what's offered and don't fuss over the details. People say it about themselves, to show they're grateful and won't complain. They also say it to someone else, and then it can sound like "be glad you got anything at all."

An example: Theo's lease ran out two weeks before his new apartment was ready, so his friends Jonas and Lea pulled out their sofa bed for him. On the first night Lea spread a sheet over the thin mattress and said sorry about the metal bar that runs across the middle. Theo laughed and raised a hand, his green duffel bag still on his shoulder. "Beggars can't be choosers," he said. Lea stopped smoothing the sheet. "You're not begging. We asked you." Jonas stood there with the pillow and grinned. He said the bar was the best part, because it stops you from sleeping in.

From "should be no choosers" to "can't"

The saying is old. The English writer John Heywood put it in his book of proverbs, a long story in rhyme built out of the sayings people used every day. His line reads:

> "beggers should be no choosers."

Sources don't agree on the year. Some date the line to the book's first edition in 1546. Others, including a well-known phrase dictionary, say it first shows up in the 1562 edition. Both agree on the word "should."

That small word matters. "Should be no choosers" is advice about manners: if you ask for help, don't be fussy about it. "Can't be choosers" sounds like a plain fact: when you have nothing, you take what comes. In everyday speech the two meanings blur together, and that blur is why the line can feel modest in one mouth and harsh in another.

Saying it about yourself

You often hear it when people accept a favor. A friend gets up at five to drive you to the airport. Your cousin lends you a dress for a wedding, and it's a size too big. A couple you love puts you up on a sofa bed with a bar across the middle. "Beggars can't be choosers" is a quick way to say you won't complain.

It's meant kindly, but it can land oddly on the person helping. It casts you as a beggar and them as someone handing out favors from above. Between friends, help is closer to a long, loose trade. This month you sleep on their sofa bed, and in two years they borrow your car. Lea didn't want a beggar in her living room. She wanted a friend who felt at home.

The same habit shows up in smaller ways too, like saying sorry three times before breakfast, refusing the better pillow or taking the worst seat in the car every time. Each one makes you a little smaller, and makes your helper work harder to convince you that you're welcome.

If the help came as a present, a different old line covers it: don't look a gift horse in the mouth. How you treat the helper afterwards is the subject of don't bite the hand that feeds you.

When the line is aimed at you

Now picture it the other way round. You asked your sister for a lift to the station. She offered six in the morning, you asked whether eight would work, and she said, "Beggars can't be choosers." Maybe she was joking. Maybe she was tired of driving everyone around.

If it was a joke, laugh and say thanks. If it stung, a calm answer works better than a sharp one: "I know, and I'm grateful. I only asked because my train is at nine." That keeps the thanks and the reason in the same breath.

If a friend says it to you often, listen to what sits under it. People reach for the line when they feel taken for granted. A real thank-you, said plainly and more than once, often fixes it. There are good ways to show appreciation that take a minute and mean a lot.

You're allowed one preference

The saying hides a fair question: may you ask for something different when someone is already doing you a favor? Usually yes, once, politely, with a reason and an easy way out for them.

• "Could we leave at eight instead of six? If not, six is completely fine."
• "Would you mind if I put my bag in the hall closet? I'll keep the living room clear."
• "Could I borrow the blue one instead? If you're saving it, the green is great."

What you shouldn't do is redesign the whole favor. One small ask with a reason is fine. Three asks start to sound like a list of complaints. If you find it hard to ask for help at all, the piece on asking for help covers the first step.

Better lines than "beggars can't be choosers"

When you're the one being helped:

• "This is perfect. Thank you for doing this."
• "You've saved my month. What can I cook for you on Friday?"
• "Six is early, but I'll take it, and the coffee is on me."

When you're the one helping:

• "It's not fancy, but it's yours for as long as you need it."
• "Tell me if anything doesn't work, and we'll sort it out."
• "No need to thank me every morning. Once a week is plenty."

Each one keeps the thanks and leaves out the beggar.

Who takes help lightly and who keeps count, by type

Some people accept a sofa bed like a friend's offer of coffee. Others lie awake working out how to pay it back. Some of that comes from personality type. Here are eight of the 16 types:

• Ideator takes help easily and gives it just as easily. The thank-you may come late, along with an odd and thoughtful favor in return.
• Analyst hates being a burden and wants to know exactly what the help costs the other person, so it can be fair.
• Mentor says thanks with big feeling and offers help freely. They find it hard when nobody lets them give anything back.
• Dreamer accepts quietly and feels the kindness deeply, then says sorry for being trouble more often than anyone needs.
• Diplomat asks with charm and takes a yes in stride. A thank-you on the last day matters as much as one on the first.
• Entrepreneur repays fast and in practical ways. Expect your squeaky door fixed by the weekend.
• Counselor would much rather help than be helped and says "I'm fine" for too long. Once they accept, they remember it for years.
• Encourager takes help openly and makes the helper feel good about helping, which is a gift of its own.

Theo makes himself small the way a Dreamer often does. Lea, who offered the sofa bed before he asked, has a lot of Counselor in her.

Find out how you and a friend handle help

Who offers first, who waits to be asked and who keeps a quiet score often comes down to type. With Typeza, two friends see the relationship type they make, where helping each other feels easy and where one of you ends up carrying more. Do the free friendship compatibility test first, then send the invite on your result to the friend whose sofa you've slept on.

Questions people ask

Where does "beggars can't be choosers" come from?

From John Heywood's book of English proverbs, where it reads "beggers should be no choosers." Sources date it to 1546 or to the 1562 edition.

Is it rude to say "beggars can't be choosers"?

About yourself, it's usually fine, if a little self-deprecating. Said to someone else, it can sound like a put-down, so keep it for an obvious joke between people who know each other well.

What can you say instead?

"I'll take it, thank you" works when you're being helped. "It's yours for as long as you need it" works when you're the one helping.

What is a similar saying?

"Don't look a gift horse in the mouth" is close, though it's about presents. "Take it or leave it" says the same thing from the giver's side. You'll find more in our list of old sayings.

Sources

• Wikiquote, "John Heywood": "beggers should be no choosers" listed under Heywood's Proverbs (1546), Part I, chapter 10.
• The Phrase Finder, "Beggars can't be choosers": dates the line to the 1562 edition and gives the original wording with "should."

Written by Virko Kask, founder of Typeza
Written with the help of AI tools.