Do as I say, not as I do: meaning and what to say back

"Do as I say, not as I do" means "follow my advice, even though I don't follow it myself." People say it when someone points out that they break their own rule. Sometimes it's a joke. Sometimes it's a real double standard, and it stings.

An example: here are three rules Ray has given his daughter June since she turned thirty:

• Wear a helmet, even for a five-minute ride.
• Never drive with less than a quarter of a tank.
• Call when you get home.

Last Sunday June stopped by and found him in the driveway, barefoot, both hands on the handlebars of his pale blue bike, about to ride to the bakery. His helmet was hanging on a hook in the garage. She took it down and held it out to him, one hand on her hip, and waited.

Ray just grinned at her. "Do as I say, not as I do."

What the saying admits

The odd thing about this saying is that it's honest. The speaker doesn't deny the gap. They name it and ask you to look past it. The rule is good, they're saying, even if the person giving it isn't the best example.

And often the rule really is good. Ray is right about helmets. A parent who is always late may still give good advice about being on time. But advice from someone who doesn't follow it is much harder to take seriously.

Why the example beats the rule

Many of us learn more from what we see than from what we're told. A grown child who watched a parent stay calm in traffic for twenty years may stay calm too, whatever the parent used to say about it. A younger brother copies what his older sister does on a Saturday much more than what she tells him to do.

That's why "do as I say" so often fails. The rule comes in through the ears, and the example comes in through the eyes, every day. When the two don't match, people often follow the example. You can see the same pull in like mother, like daughter, where habits pass down whether anyone means them to or not.

A parent's rule for a grown child

Parents don't stop giving rules when their children grow up. They just give fewer, and they often come as advice. "Don't answer work emails on a Saturday," says the mother who answers hers at the breakfast table. "Take a proper holiday," says the father who hasn't taken one in years.

From the grown child's side, this can feel like being treated as if you were still sixteen. From the parent's side, it usually comes from love, and from knowing their own habits too well. They don't want you to repeat their mistakes. If the advice feels like too much, unsolicited advice looks at how to answer it without a fight.

The older sibling who makes the rules

Older siblings often keep a little of the authority they had when everyone was younger. Picture Maria telling her brother Dan to call their mother every week, while she calls once a month. Or an older brother who tells his sister to stop working late, then answers emails at ten at night.

Siblings tend to notice these gaps fast, because they've known each other all their lives. They also tend to say so less kindly than they would to a friend. A light touch works better: "I'll call Mom on Sunday if you call her on Wednesday."

When a partner keeps a rule for you only

In a couple, a double rule can be harder to laugh off. Say one partner has a firm rule: "Don't walk away in the middle of an argument. We finish it." It's a fair rule. Then one evening, when it's their turn to hear something hard, they pick up their keys and go for a walk.

Rules like this work only when both people keep them. If one partner holds the other to a rule they break themselves, it starts to feel like a rule about power. That's worth talking about calmly, on a good day, well after the argument is over.

How to point out the gap without blame

When someone gives you a rule they don't keep, you have a few gentle ways to answer:

• Keep the rule, and say so warmly. "You're right, I'll wear the helmet. Will you?"
• Ask if it's for everyone. "Is this a rule for both of us, or just for me?"
• Use humor. June didn't argue. She just held out the helmet.
• Talk about the rule itself. "I think this is a good rule. Can we both keep it?"

Try to avoid words like "always" and "never," and avoid calling the person a hypocrite. Those turn a small gap into a big fight. If you want to think more about the habit of seeing other people's faults and missing our own, the pot calling the kettle black and people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones go into that side of it.

If you're the one with the double rule

Many of us have at least one rule we give others and quietly break ourselves. If someone points yours out, you have three honest choices. You can start keeping it. You can drop it, if it wasn't so important after all. Or you can explain why the rule is different for you, if there's a real reason. Whichever you pick, say it out loud. A simple "You're right, I don't do this myself" is easy to say and makes your next rule much easier to hear.

What doesn't work is saying "do as I say" and changing the subject. Even said as a joke, it tells the other person that the rule matters less than you claimed. Ray, for what it's worth, put the helmet on before he rode to the bakery.

Where the line comes from

The saying is very old. The earliest known written example is in the Table-Talk of John Selden, an English lawyer and scholar who died in 1654. The book is a collection of things Selden said in conversation, put together by his secretary and printed in 1689, so you'll see both dates given. Selden gives the line as something preachers say, so it is older than the book. The idea is older still. In the Gospel of Matthew, Jesus tells people to do what the Pharisees teach, but not what they do.

Today you'll also hear the longer form "do as I say and not as I do." It means exactly the same thing.

Who keeps their own rules, and who bends them

How strongly someone feels about a double standard partly depends on type. Six of the 16 types:

• Ideator bends a rule as soon as they see a better way, and may forget they asked others to keep it.
• Inspector keeps their own rules to the letter and notices quickly when someone else doesn't.
• Commander sets rules quickly for the people around them, and may see themselves as the exception when they're in charge.
• Guardian cares about fairness in the family and feels a double standard sharply.
• Organizer likes household rules that everyone keeps, themselves included.
• Encourager often laughs off the gap, like Ray, and will happily admit it.

See where you and a parent see things differently

Rules and example look different from each side of a family. Typeza describes the relationship type between you and a parent, sibling or grown child, and the places where you tend to agree. It all begins with the free family compatibility test, and then your relative joins from your result.

Questions people ask

What does do as I say, not as I do mean?

It means "follow my advice, even though I don't follow it myself." People say it when they give a rule they don't keep.

Is it "do as I say" or "do as I say and not as I do"?

You'll hear both forms, and both carry the same meaning.

Where does do as I say, not as I do come from?

The earliest known written example is in John Selden's Table-Talk, printed in 1689 after his death in 1654. He quotes it as a saying people already used.

What is the opposite of do as I say, not as I do?

The closest opposite is "lead by example," which means showing people what to do by doing it yourself.

Sources

• Wiktionary, "do as I say and not as I do". The meaning, Selden's line "Preachers say, Do as I say, not as I do," and the New Testament wording.
• Wikipedia, "John Selden". Selden died in 1654, and Table Talk, put together by his secretary, came out in 1689.

Written by Virko Kask, founder of Typeza
Written with the help of AI tools.