The pot calling the kettle black: meaning, and why we all do it

The pot calling the kettle black means criticizing someone for a fault you have yourself. People say it when the person doing the complaining is just as guilty, sometimes more. You'll also hear the pan calling the kettle black, the kettle calling the pot black, or the short joke "pot, meet kettle," and they all mean the same. The picture comes from old kitchens where pots and kettles hung over an open fire and both turned black with soot. An early English version turns up in a 1620 translation of Don Quixote, where a frying pan insults a kettle.

An example: over coffee after their parents' anniversary dinner, Marcus leaned across the sofa and told his sister Lena that she was "always on her phone." He said it while answering a message on his own. Their father didn't look up from his cup. "That," he said, "is the pot calling the kettle black." Everyone laughed, Marcus included. On the drive home, Lena spent ten minutes telling her husband that her friend Bea never lets anyone finish a sentence. She cut him off twice while she said it. He just raised an eyebrow.

Everyday examples with friends, family and partners

It shows up anywhere people know each other well enough to complain.

With friends:

• The friend who is always twenty minutes late, sighing about another friend who "has no sense of time."
• The one who passes on every rumor, warning you that someone else in the group is a gossip.
• The friend who cancels twice a month and says a mutual friend has become unreliable.
• The friend who talks about herself all evening, then says the new guy in the group never asks anyone a question.

In the family:

• A mother who says "you never call," when she hasn't picked up the phone first in a year.
• A brother who calls you stubborn in the middle of refusing to give an inch.
• A father who grumbles that his son spends too much, standing next to his third new grill.

When the gap is a rule a parent gives and doesn't keep, it's closer to the old "do as I say" line.

With a partner:

• "You never listen," said while scrolling.
• "You're so messy," from the person whose clothes are piled on the chair.
• "We're always late because of you," from the one still looking for their keys at the door.
• "Why are you in such a bad mood?" in a tone that is clearly a bad mood.

Why we spot our own faults in others

It seems odd that people miss what's right in front of them. There are a few plain reasons.

We know the habit from the inside. If you're often late, you notice lateness everywhere, because you know what it looks like. The fault is familiar, so it jumps out at you.

We judge ourselves by our reasons and others by their actions. When you're late, it was the traffic. When your friend is late, she doesn't respect your time. Each of us has the full story for our own behavior and only the result for everyone else's.

It stings less in someone else. Admitting a flaw hurts. Pointing it out in a brother doesn't. Some people call this projection, which in plain words means pinning your own uncomfortable trait on another person, where it's easier to dislike.

Old sore spots stay sore. A habit you were told off for years ago often irritates you most when you see it in someone else.

None of this makes someone a bad person. It's also different from being two-faced, which means acting one way to your face and another behind your back. The pot usually means every word. It can't see itself.

What to say when someone does it to you

How you answer depends on the person and the mood.

• Laugh with them. Between people who tease each other, "Hello, pot. Meet kettle" or a simple "Look who's talking" does the job, and nobody gets hurt.
• Agree with the point. "Fair, I'm on my phone a lot. You too, though. Shall we both put them away?" It takes the sting out and moves things along.
• Deal with the complaint first. If the criticism is fair, it stays fair even when the speaker has the same habit. Sort out the issue before you mention theirs.
• Let it go. With a relative you see twice a year, a smile and a change of subject often costs less than being right.

What rarely works is throwing it straight back in the middle of an argument. "You do it too" turns one problem into two, and the conversation into a contest about who is worse.

How to catch yourself before you say it

1. Run the "me too" check. Before you criticize someone, ask whether a friend could say the same about you. If the honest answer is "maybe," soften it or skip it.
2. Notice how annoyed you are. When a small habit bothers you far more than it should, ask yourself why it touches you so much.
3. Swap "you always" for "we both." "We're both on our phones a lot" starts a better evening than "You're always on your phone."
4. Ask someone close. A partner or an old friend will usually tell you, kindly, which of your complaints sound a bit rich coming from you.
5. Say it about yourself first. "I'm terrible at this too, but..." makes nearly any criticism easier to hear.

Seeing your own habits clearly is a big part of self-awareness, and anyone can get better at it with practice.

The faults each type notices fastest

Each personality type is quick to spot a few particular faults in others. Often they're the same ones that type struggles with. Six of them follow, going down the types page:

• Ideator gets impatient with people who never finish what they start, while three of their own projects wait half-built in the garage.
• Vitalizer tells a friend she's overreacting, with all the feeling of someone who is overreacting.
• Analyst calls a partner stubborn for rejecting a perfectly good argument, after defending one pet theory of their own for years.
• Commander dislikes people who push others around, and can do plenty of pushing when something needs to get done.
• Entrepreneur complains that friends waste their evenings on their phones, between checking three messages of their own.
• Counselor wishes people would say what they really mean, and then hints instead of asking.

None of this is fixed, and anyone can catch themselves. Still, the faults your type spots fastest in others are often the first places to look in yourself.

A look at your own kettle

The faults you spot fastest in other people are often the ones your own type is prone to, so knowing your type is a look at your own blind spots. Your type's strengths and usual struggles are spelled out on the free personality test. If a sibling, partner or friend keeps calling you the kettle, send them the link from your result. When they finish, your relationship type describes the parts that usually run smoothly between you and the spots where you tend to grate on each other.

Questions people ask

What does the pot calling the kettle black mean?

It means criticizing someone for a fault you have yourself. The person complaining is just as guilty as the person they complain about.

What is an example of the pot calling the kettle black?

A friend who is always late complaining that someone else is never on time, or a partner who says "you never listen" while looking at their phone.

Where does the pot calling the kettle black come from?

From kitchens with open fires, where pots and kettles both turned black from soot. An early English version appears in a 1620 translation of Don Quixote.

What is another way to say the pot calling the kettle black?

"Look who's talking," "takes one to know one" and "people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones" all make the same point.

Is the pot calling the kettle black racist?

Its origin isn't about race. The saying is about soot on pots and kettles over an open fire. Some people still choose "look who's talking" instead, which makes the same point.

Is it cat calling the kettle black?

No, it's the pot. Cat, pan and teapot are common mix-ups, but the pot and the kettle make the point, since both hang over the same fire and get equally black.

Sources

• Wikipedia, "The pot calling the kettle black". Meaning, and the 1620 Thomas Shelton translation of Don Quixote with the frying pan and the kettle.

Written by Virko Kask, founder of Typeza
Written with the help of AI tools.