Holiday traditions for grown-ups: keep, blend or start your own

A holiday tradition is anything you repeat on purpose each year because it makes the season feel like yours: a dish, a walk, a film, the chair you always take. Adults rarely run short of them. The trouble starts when two families, a few grown siblings and a friend group all bring their own, and December has only so many evenings.

An example: Annika sat curled in the armchair in her pale blue pajamas, a mug of cocoa in one hand and a new novel in the other. In her family, December 24 has always gone the same way: a new book for everyone, warm socks and a living room so quiet you can hear the pages. Kwame came out of the kitchen in his green apron with a pan of pancakes, laughing at her. In his family the big day starts on the 25th at eight in the morning, with pancakes, loud music and cousins at the door until noon. This is their second December in the same apartment. Last year they tried to do both traditions in full, and by two o'clock on the 25th Annika was reading in the bathroom with the door locked.

How a habit turns into a tradition

Something becomes a tradition the first year somebody would miss it. Nobody plans most of them. A cousin brings the same lemon cake three years running, and by the fourth year nobody else is allowed to bake one.

Examples of family traditions that grown-ups keep going:

• a recipe only one person makes, from a card nobody else may touch
• a long walk after the big meal, whatever the weather
• a call to the relative who lives far away, on speaker so everyone can shout hello
• a photo on the same steps every year
• one board game that ends in the same argument
• the film everyone has seen twenty times and still quotes

Small ones count as much as big ones. The lemon cake can matter more to a family than any trip.

What each type holds sacred in December

Ask five adults what makes December feel right and you may get five answers: the food, the ritual, the quiet, something new or the people. Which one a person guards depends partly on their personality type. Here are eight of the 16 types:

• Ideator guards something new. They would change the menu every year, and their favorite tradition is trying a new one.
• Harmonizer guards the food and the comfort. The same soup, the same blanket, the same smell from the oven. A new menu can feel like losing a small piece of home.
• Vitalizer guards the people. A full table, a loud kitchen and everyone in one room at least once. Kwame fits this one well.
• Inspector guards the ritual, done the same way. Same time, same order, same plates. For them the steadiness is the gift.
• Dreamer guards the quiet and the mood. Candles, a slow evening, one long talk. Annika's book night is about the hush as much as the books.
• Diplomat wants an outing with people. A skating rink, a winter market, a party thrown together on short notice.
• Guardian cares who belongs. Who sits at the table matters more to them than what's on it, and they make sure nobody spends the day alone.
• Craftsman likes things made by hand. The dish they cook themselves, the fire they build, the tree they pick out and carry home. Quiet company suits them better than a crowd.

When two people fight about a tradition, they're often guarding different things inside it. Annika never cared much about the date. She cared about the quiet.

Blending two families' traditions in your first years together

The first few Decembers as a couple are when many of these fights happen. Each of you arrives with a full set of habits, and each set feels like the normal way to do things.

A plan that works for many couples:

1. Each of you lists your traditions. Write them all down, even the small ones, like the orange in the stocking or the song that has to play first.
2. Each of you circles the one you would fight for. One each, to start.
3. Say what's sacred inside it. For Annika it was the quiet. For Kwame it was the crowd. Once you know that, the date and the details can move.
4. Take turns on the big decisions. Whose parents get which day can alternate by year, and nobody has to win forever.
5. Start one tradition that belongs to the two of you. It works best if neither family has anything like it.

On the days you spend at the other family's table, the old rule of when in Rome covers the small customs, and your list keeps the big ones safe.

For the evenings in between, winter date ideas has cozy plans and cold ones for two.

Christmas Eve and Christmas Day traditions for grown-ups

Christmas Eve traditions tend to be quiet and close, and Christmas Day traditions tend to be loud and long. Some families go to a late church service on the 24th, and some just eat well and stay in.

Christmas Eve ideas for adults:

• a book for everyone and an evening of reading
• a late walk to look at the lights in your neighborhood
• one dish the whole family cooks together
• dinner by candlelight with every phone in a basket by the door
• one present each, opened before bed

Christmas Day ideas:

• a slow breakfast in pajamas before anyone visits
• a walk before the big meal
• a game tournament with a silly trophy that moves house every year
• a short drive to see someone who would otherwise be alone

Unusual traditions can become the favorite: breakfast for dinner on the 24th, a swap of the worst gift anyone can find for ten dollars, or a cold sea swim on the 26th for the brave.

When grown siblings share the old traditions

As parents get older, the traditions of the house you grew up in start to move. One sibling hosts for the first time and changes the menu. Another has a partner whose family wants them on the 25th.

It helps to treat the old traditions like heirlooms and share them out. One sister keeps the stuffing recipe, one brother keeps the ornaments, the youngest keeps the walk. Each of you can carry a piece into your own home. Families that already have a family motto often find it names what the traditions were about all along.

Friends who keep a December tradition of their own

Some of the best traditions belong to friends: a dinner on the 23rd, a gift swap with a strict price limit, a cabin weekend, a walk on the shortest day of the year. Many groups that hold a Friendsgiving in November grow a December tradition out of it, and others wait for the last night of the year with New Year's Eve ideas that suit the whole group.

Friend traditions break easily when people move or have new families. Put the date in the calendar in October and send one reminder in November.

How to drop a tradition without a fight

Sometimes a tradition has to go. The cousins moved away, or the eight-hour drive has turned into a chore nobody enjoys.

• Raise it early. October works better than Christmas Eve.
• Say what you want to keep. "Let's stop the big lunch, but I still want us to call Grandma together."
• Give it one last year. Knowing it's the final time makes it easier to enjoy.
• Drop only your own. Ask before you retire somebody else's tradition, even a small one.

Book night, pancake morning

In the end Annika and Kwame kept one tradition each. The 24th is book night, phones off from eight. The 25th starts with pancakes and music, and the cousins come at noon instead of eight. Their new tradition is on the 26th: they cook one dish neither family has ever made.

See why the two of you want different Decembers

One person wants a quiet December with a new book and another wants loud music and cousins at the door, and type can play a part in that. Start with the free family compatibility test. Send your partner, a sibling or a parent the link from your result before the holidays. After they answer, you get your relationship type, one of 16, about where you click and where you tend to annoy each other.

Questions people ask

What is a good tradition to start?

Pick something small enough to repeat every year without effort, like a walk on the same morning, a dish you cook together or a photo in the same spot.

How do people celebrate Christmas?

Many grown-ups spend it with family or close friends over a long meal, a few gifts, a walk and an old film. Some families make the evening of the 24th the big moment and others save it all for the 25th, and the Christmas Eve and Christmas Day ideas above fit either way.

How does Secret Santa work?

Secret Santa is a gift swap where each person gives one gift to one other person in secret. Everyone writes their name on a slip of paper, the slips go into a hat, and each person draws one name and keeps it to themselves. The group agrees on a price limit and a day to swap, and grown siblings often like it because each of them buys one good gift instead of six small ones.

Sources

• Wikipedia, Secret Santa: a Christmas tradition where each member of a group is randomly assigned one person to give a gift to.

Written by Virko Kask, founder of Typeza
Written with the help of AI tools.