Is honesty the best policy? When honesty helps and when tact does

"Honesty is the best policy" means that telling the truth works out better in the long run than lying, even when a lie looks easier in the moment. People often credit Benjamin Franklin with it, but the line was already written down in English by 1599, more than a century before he was born.

An example: Jules sent Hana a photo on a Thursday night: a bright green velvet sofa in her new living room, still wrapped in plastic. "Final sale, no returns!! Be honest. Do you love it?" Hana did not love it. To her it looked like a giant lime gummy.

Two months earlier, Jules had sent a different photo with the same question. It was an apartment she was about to sign for. That time Hana told her straight that the bedroom faced a brick wall and the street stayed loud until three in the morning. Jules thanked her, kept looking and found the place where the green sofa now stands.

This time Hana wrote back: "It's bold, it's so you, and I'm coming over Saturday to sit on it." Was that a lie? She has wondered about it since.

So, is it always?

Mostly, yes. Lies tend to cost more than they save, and people trust the friends who tell them the truth. But the word "always" hides a second question. Honesty means you don't deceive people. It has never meant saying every critical thought you have, at every moment, to everyone. You may remember a friend's honest word that saved you from a bad decision, and another that only stung because nothing could be done about it.

Hana's two answers point to a simple rule of thumb. Honesty helps most when the truth can still change something. Before Jules signed the lease, the truth about the bedroom could save her a year of gray mornings. Once the sofa had arrived, final sale, the truth about the color could only spoil her evening.

Three questions to ask before you say it

1. Can it still change anything? If it can, say it soon and say it kindly. If it can't, think twice about saying it at all.
2. Did they ask for an opinion or for a cheer? "Do you love it?" with two exclamation marks, after the purchase, usually means "be happy with me."
3. Is it yours to say? Some truths belong to the person who has to live with the choice, like a friend's sofa or a sister's wedding menu.

A fourth question helps too: would you want to know? You'd want to hear about spinach in your teeth. A review of a haircut you can't undo is another matter.

When tact is the more honest choice

Tact is choosing which true thing to say, and how to say it. Hana's reply wasn't false. The sofa is bold, it is very Jules, and Hana did go over and sit on it. She picked the true things that were good for the friendship. What she felt most strongly, after all, was happy for her friend, and she said so.

Tact turns into something less honest in a few situations:

• You praise it to their face and mock it later. People usually find out.
• You stay quiet while someone walks into a real mistake. Silence about a lease is different from silence about a sofa.
• You agree just to skip a hard talk. The talk usually comes back, bigger.

The old rule about saying nothing if you have nothing nice to say works well for sofas and haircuts. It fails for apartments, plans and anything else that can still be changed.

The other way to get it wrong is to say every true thing as hard as possible, which is what people mean by brutally honest.

Straight talkers and soft talkers, type by type

Who tells the truth straight out and who wraps it gently is partly a matter of personality type. Six of the 16 types show the range:

• Harmonizer: soft. Keeps the mood pleasant and saves a hard truth for a calm moment and a cup of tea.
• Mentor: straight about feelings. Tells you exactly how something made them feel, out loud and with real heart.
• Inspector: straight about facts. If the numbers don't add up or the plan breaks a rule, you'll hear it, calmly and once.
• Guardian: straight about right and wrong. They'll tell a close friend when they think she treated someone unfairly, and they expect the same in return.
• Organizer: straight about practical things. "That shelf won't hold" comes before you hang it, which saves a lot of broken plates.
• Counselor: soft and careful. Chooses words slowly, says the hard part in private and leaves you room to decide.

Hana fits the Counselor description well. Jules talks like a Mentor, which is why the sofa photo came with two exclamation marks.

How to ask for the honest answer

If you want the truth from a friend, part of the timing is yours to set. Ask before you buy, sign or book, while their answer can still change something. Say what kind of answer you want, too. "I haven't paid yet, so tell me what you really think" gets a very different reply from "Look what I got!!"

Then make it safe to answer. Thank the friend who tells you the bedroom faces a brick wall, even if you sign anyway. People who see that the truth is welcome will keep telling it to you, and people who get snapped at once tend to switch to "it's lovely" for good.

If you'd rather enjoy a choice you've already made, that's fine as well. Say so, and let your friends cheer.

Honesty with friends, family and a partner

Telling a friend the truth

Friends forgive a lot, and they also notice who tells them the truth when it counts. Be the one who speaks up before the lease is signed. Let the sofa be a sofa. For a line that thanks a friend for always being straight with you, see integrity quotes.

Telling your parents or siblings

Families have long memories. A sharp word at a holiday dinner can come back for years, and a truth held back for years can come out at the worst moment. Pick your setting: one on one, never in front of the whole table. With a parent, "Can I tell you something I've been thinking about?" opens more doors than "Honestly, Mom."

Telling your partner

Partners need the largest share of honesty, about money, plans and feelings, because they live with the results. They also need tact. A new haircut or a dinner that didn't quite work rarely needs a full review. It helps to agree on what each of you wants to hear straight. If one of you hints and the other wants it plain, beat around the bush looks at how those two ways of talking can meet.

The sofa, a month later

Hana went over that Saturday, and many Saturdays after. The sofa was still very green, and it was also very comfortable. One evening she told Jules the truth, a month late and laughing: "I thought it looked like candy." Jules laughed too. "I know. I bought it anyway."

Find out whether you lean toward the truth or toward tact

Some people say the hard thing straight away and others soften it first, and your type shows which habit is yours. Take the free personality test, and it tells you what you do well and what you find hard. Send the friend who asks for your honest opinion the link from your result. When they have done it too, your relationship type shows where you get along with no effort and where honesty and tact may collide.

Questions people ask

What does "honesty is the best policy" mean?

It means telling the truth is wiser than lying, because lies tend to cause more trouble later.

Who said honesty is the best policy?

It is often credited to Benjamin Franklin, but the saying was already written down in England by 1599.

Is honesty always the best policy?

Almost always, as long as honesty means not deceiving people. It matters most when the truth can still change something. When it can't, tact usually serves the other person better.

What is the difference between honesty and tact?

Honesty is about not deceiving anyone. Tact is about which true thing you say, and when and how you say it. Good friends usually need both.

Why is honesty the best policy?

Because of trust. People who tell the truth get believed later, and a lie usually needs more lies to hold it up.

Is it okay to tell a white lie?

Many people allow small kind ones, like praising a gift. The trouble starts when a white lie keeps someone from a choice they could still make. Everyday examples, and who tells them most easily, are on the white lies page.

Sources

• The Phrase Finder, "Honesty is the best policy": the earliest known use, "honestie the best policie," in Sir Edwin Sandys' Europae Speculum (1599).
• Wikipedia, "Edwin Sandys (1561-1629)": the treatise was written in the 1590s and first printed in 1605.

Written by Virko Kask, founder of Typeza
Written with the help of AI tools.