Vow renewal: when to renew your vows, how to plan it and what to say

A vow renewal is a short ceremony where a married couple says new promises to each other, usually on a round anniversary or after a hard stretch they came through together. It has no legal weight, since you're already married, so you can hold it anywhere and ask anyone to lead it. The parts that count are the new vows and the people who hear them.

An example: Ruth and Daniel married in a town hall, with two friends as witnesses and a borrowed umbrella. A clerk read a few lines, they said "I do", and they went for lunch. There were no vows of their own. Now, twenty-five years on, they stand in their backyard in front of the low fence and hold both of each other's hands. One of those witnesses, Sam, stands just behind them with a folder that holds the new vows. Ruth goes first. She promises to keep laughing at his stories even on the fifth telling, and Daniel laughs so hard he has to start his own vows again. Twelve friends stand on the grass. The whole thing takes twenty minutes, and Ruth says it feels more like a wedding than the first one did.

Why couples renew their vows

The reasons tend to be simple:

• They married fast, small or young, and want a day that feels like theirs. Many couples who elope plan one from the start.
• They reached a round number, such as ten, twenty-five or fifty years.
• They got through something hard together, like an illness, a move or a rough few years, and want to mark the other side of it.
• Their sons and daughters are grown, and this time they want them in the room.
• They have more to say now than they had on the wedding day.

Which anniversary to pick

Any year is fine, though a few come up more than others.

• Five years. The wedding still feels fresh, and you know each other's habits by now. A 5 year vow renewal tends to be small and light.
• Ten years. A popular choice. A 10 year vow renewal often brings together the wedding guests and the friends who came later.
• Twenty-five years. Many couples have grown sons and daughters by now who can take a part.
• Fifty years. For a 50th anniversary renewal, the whole family often comes, and a short, seated ceremony is kind to everyone.

Some couples skip the round numbers and choose the day they met, or the day a hard year ended.

How to plan a vow renewal

1. Decide the size together. Just the two of you, a handful of people, or everyone? The answer shapes every other choice.
2. Pick a place that means something. Your backyard, the spot where you met, a beach at sunrise, the living room where you've spent most of your evenings.
3. Ask someone to lead it. More on that below.
4. Write new vows separately. Share them with the person leading so they know the length, and keep them from each other until the day.
5. Plan what comes after. A long lunch, a walk, dinner at home, or nothing at all.
6. Tell guests what kind of day it is. One line in the invite saves people from guessing what to wear or whether to bring a gift.

Who can officiate a vow renewal

Anyone you like. There's no license to sign, so you don't need an official. Couples usually ask one of these:

• A close friend, often someone who was at the wedding, the way Sam was.
• A grown son or daughter. Many parents find this the most moving choice.
• Nobody at all. The two of you can lead it yourselves and take turns to speak.
• A faith leader, if you'd like a religious ceremony.

If you've been asked to officiate a vow renewal, keep your own part short. Say a welcome and a few words about the couple, and then step back so they can speak.

A simple ceremony order

Many renewals take fifteen to thirty minutes. This shape fits nearly any couple:

1. A welcome from the person leading, two or three sentences long.
2. A short story about the couple, or a reading by a friend or a family member.
3. The new vows, one partner and then the other.
4. Rings, if you want them. Some couples use their old rings, and some add a new band.
5. A closing line and a kiss, and then everyone moves to the food.

You can add one extra moment, such as a few words from family, or the longest-married guests standing up.

What to say in renewal vows

At a wedding you make promises about a future you can only guess at. Renewal vows have years of shared life behind them, and a three-part shape suits them well:

• Then. One thing you remember from the start.
• Now. What you see in your partner today that you didn't know back then.
• Next. One or two promises for the years ahead, based on the life you really live.

The "now" part is where your partner hears how they've changed, and how you've changed beside them. Keep it specific. "You still wait up for me" is good. "You started waiting up for me the winter I came home late every night, and you never stopped" is better.

For the craft of a vow from the first line to the last, see how to write wedding vows.

Renewal vow examples to borrow

Short and sweet renewal vows

"Ten years ago I promised you my whole life. I'm promising it again, and this time I know what I'm getting. I'd choose you every morning."

"You're still the one I run to with every bit of news. I promise to keep bringing it to you, even the boring parts."

After five or ten years

"When we married, I didn't know you sing when you cook, or that you'd drive four hours in the snow to bring me home. I promise to keep finding out who you are, and to sing along badly."

"We've moved three times, painted every room twice and learned to share one small bathroom. I promise to keep making room for you in every house we end up in."

After twenty-five years or more

"I've now lived with you longer than I lived without you. You're my home in every way that counts. I promise you the next part of the road too, the slow walks and the old stories we keep telling wrong."

"I don't know what our seventies will look like. I know I want to be next to you for them, arguing about the heating and holding your hand at every crossing."

Funny renewal vows

"I promise to keep pretending I can't hear you snore, and to save you the last piece of cake about half the time."

"Twenty years in, I renew my promise to love you, to put up with your parking, and never again to fold a fitted sheet in front of you."

For a card or a few words on the day itself, these anniversary wishes for your husband or wife help.

Growing old together

Many renewal vows come back to this promise sooner or later. At a wedding it's a hope. Twenty years on, you can name the small things behind it, like the Sunday walk, the way you split the crossword, or the shelf he finally fixed. Younger couples among the guests tend to listen closely. They're hearing the same advice for newlyweds they got at their own wedding, and now they can see it lasting.

A party or a quiet morning: what each type wants

Typeza sees personality type as part of which kind of day a partner wants. Eight of the 16 types:

• Ideator wants a renewal unlike the wedding, with a new place, an odd hour and maybe vows written as predictions for the next ten years.
• Harmonizer wants it small and warm, with food made at home, soft music and a few people who love them both.
• Commander sets the date, sends the invites and keeps the ceremony tight, and the vows are short and firm.
• Strategist would rather skip the crowd and say it at dawn with only the partner there, and talks about the long road ahead.
• Entrepreneur plans it like a project, often folded into a trip, and makes sure it runs on time.
• Organizer has a list for the day, a chair for every older guest and a plan for rain.
• Counselor cares most about the words, writes several drafts and may want to say them in private first.
• Encourager asks friends to share stories about the couple and turns the day into a reunion.

When one partner wants a party and the other wants a quiet morning, you can have both: a private vow at breakfast and people in the afternoon.

See what you two make after all these years

You know your partner's habits by heart after this long. Typeza shows the relationship type you two make, so you can see why some things have always come easily between you and others still take effort. The free couples compatibility test is the first step, and your partner joins from your result.

Questions people ask

Is a vow renewal legally binding?

No. You're already married, so a renewal adds no legal step. It's a promise you make again in front of the people you love.

How long should renewal vows be?

About a minute each when read aloud, which is roughly 120 to 150 words. Three or four sentences are plenty if you'd like them short and sweet.

Written by Virko Kask, founder of Typeza
Written with the help of AI tools.