Types of love: the four kinds, in family, friendship and partnership

There are four classic types of love, named with old Greek words: family love (storge), friendship (philia), romantic love (eros) and unconditional love (agape). C. S. Lewis made this list famous in his 1960 book The Four Loves. Most people feel all four over a lifetime, and many relationships hold two or three at once. What the four kinds leave out is why love flows easily with one person and takes effort with another.

An example: at her mother's sixty-fifth birthday, Lena stood on the lawn and watched the people she loves. Her mother, Ruth, kept an arm around her the way she has since Lena was small. Her husband, Ben, held her hand and talked about the grill. Next to him stood Marco, Ben's best friend since college, and the two of them bumped fists over a terrible joke, as they have for twenty years. Lena loves all three of them. Even so, it feels like three different things, and on the drive home she tried to explain to Ben why being with her mother is so easy while time with her sister takes so much work.

The four kinds of love at a glance

• Storge: the warm, settled love between family members, and between old friends who feel like family.
• Philia: the love between friends who choose each other and enjoy the same things.
• Eros: romantic love, with its pull toward one person and the wish to be close.
• Agape: love that gives without keeping score and wants the best for the other person.

The Greek names are often quoted, but you don't need them. The four ideas show up in every language and every family.

Storge: the love you grow up with

Storge is the love that grows from being around each other for a long time. Parents and children, brothers and sisters, grandparents and the cousins you spent every summer with. Nobody chooses it at the start. It simply builds up, meal by meal and year by year.

It is the most patient kind of love. A sister can annoy you like nobody else and still be the first person you call. Storge does not need shared hobbies or long talks. It lives in small things, like knowing how your dad takes his tea or how your brother sounds when something is wrong.

It also changes as children grow up. The love between a mother and her grown daughter often turns into something closer to friendship, with two adults who choose to spend time together. Family dynamics looks at the roles people take at home and how they shift.

Philia: love between friends

Philia is the love of friends. It is chosen, it runs both ways, and it usually starts with something you share: a sense of humor, a hobby, a stretch of life you went through together. Two friends stand side by side and look at the same thing, whether that is a football game, a book or the same old jokes.

This is the love Ben and Marco have. Nobody needed to tell them they were close. They just kept turning up for each other. A friendship like that can be as deep as any romance, without the wish for a couple's life. Platonic relationship explains how close friendships differ from romantic ones and where the two overlap.

Eros: romantic love

Eros is the love most songs are written about. It is the pull toward one person, the wish to be near them and the feeling that they are special in a way nobody else is. It often starts fast and loud, with a lot of longing.

On its own, eros is strongest at the start and then cools. Couples who stay together for decades tend to add other kinds of love to it: the friendship of philia, the settled warmth of storge and the generosity of agape. The spark matters, and it rarely carries a long relationship by itself.

Agape: love that gives without keeping score

Agape is the most selfless kind. It means caring for someone's good even when it costs you, and without expecting anything back. A parent up all night with a sick child shows it. So does a friend who drives four hours to help you move, or a partner who cares for the other through a long illness.

In some traditions agape also means love for all people, strangers included. In daily life it usually looks quieter, like a hand that shows up when it is needed and doesn't ask for thanks. The signs of a selfless person give a good picture of what agape looks like on an ordinary day.

A few more words for love

Some lists stretch the four kinds to eight. The extra ones people mention most often are these:

• Ludus: Latin for play. Playful love, full of teasing and flirting, common early in a romance.
• Pragma: practical love, built on whether two lives fit, like shared goals and values.
• Philautia: self-love in its healthy form, the kind that lets you treat yourself as you would treat a friend.

These are useful words, but most of them describe stages or shades of the four main kinds.

When one relationship holds more than one kind

Real relationships rarely fit one box. A good marriage often has eros, philia and pragma all at once, with the same person as partner, best friend and teammate. A sister can be family and also your closest friend. A father can move from storge to a friendship of equals once his children are grown.

The mix also changes over time. A couple may lose some of the early spark and gain a deeper friendship. Two friends may become family to each other after twenty years. Sometimes you meet someone and feel at once that you understand each other, which people call a kindred spirit, and that feeling can turn into any of the four.

Why love comes easily with one person and takes work with another

The four kinds don't answer Lena's question. She loves her mother and her sister with the same family love, yet time with one is easy and with the other it is work. The kind of love is the same. The fit between the two people is different.

Typeza calls that fit a relationship type, and it comes from the two people's personality types. It works the same way in a family, a friendship or a couple. Some pairs share Duality, where each person handles what the other finds tiring. Some share Identity and understand each other with almost no explaining. Others have Activation, which gives both people energy in short doses and can wear them out over long ones. Every pair has its own type, and it shapes how love feels between them, whichever of the four kinds it is.

How each type tends to show love

Personality also colors the way someone gives love. Here are a few Typeza types, following the types page:

• Harmonizer: shows love through comfort, with good food, a warm home and an easy evening.
• Analyst: shows it by thinking a problem through with you until it makes sense.
• Mentor: tells you in words, often big ones, with a lot of feeling.
• Inspector: shows it by being reliable, year after year.
• Guardian: is loyal and protective, and stands up for the people they love.
• Organizer: shows care through practical help, often before you ask.
• Counselor: listens closely and makes you feel understood.
• Encourager: believes in who you could become and tells you so.

Two people who give love in different ways can still be close. It helps a lot to know what the other person is offering, so you can recognize it when it arrives.

See which type of love you share with one person

The kind of love can be the same while the fit between two people differs, and that fit is what a relationship type describes. Start with the free compatibility test. Then send the link from your result to the person you have in mind: a partner, a friend, a parent, a sibling or a grown child. They take the same test. Once they have finished, you each see your relationship type, with what comes naturally between you and what needs more care.

Questions people ask

How many kinds of love are there?

The classic list has four. Longer lists add playful love, practical love and healthy self-love.

What is the strongest type of love?

None of them wins in every case. Agape is often called the deepest because it asks nothing back, while the strongest relationships usually mix several kinds.

Can you love someone in more than one way?

Yes. A partner can also be your best friend, and a sibling can be your closest friend. Many long relationships hold two or three kinds of love at once.

Sources

• Wikipedia, "The Four Loves". C. S. Lewis's 1960 book on storge, philia, eros and agape.
• Wikipedia, "Greek words for love". Agape, eros, philia, storge and philautia.
• Wikipedia, "Color wheel theory of love". John Alan Lee's love styles from 1973, with ludus (Latin for play) and pragma as practical love.

Written by Virko Kask, founder of Typeza
Written with the help of AI tools.