What is a frenemy? Meaning, signs, and what to do about one

A frenemy is a friend who is also a bit of an enemy. You spend time together and may truly like each other, but there is also rivalry, envy or small hurts between you. The word is a blend of friend and enemy.

Picture this: you and Zoe have been friends since college. She is the first to text when you get a new job, with three exclamation marks. She is also the one who calls your new haircut "brave", and who tells the whole table about your bad date before you can. You laugh with her more than with anyone, and you never fully relax around her.

What is a frenemy?

Many frenemies are old friends who compete with you, friends whose compliments come with a sting, or friends you like in private and feel uneasy with in a group. The friendship is real, and so are the small jabs.

Where does the word frenemy come from?

The word is older than it looks. A Kansas newspaper used "frienemies" in 1891, and the newspaper writer Walter Winchell used "frenemy" in 1953. Today you will find it in major dictionaries.

You will also see it spelled frienemy. Both mean the same thing, though frenemy is the usual spelling. The plural is frenemies.

Friend or foe: what the phrase means

Friend or foe asks a simple question: is this person on your side or against you? Armies use it as the name for systems that tell their own planes from others.

In everyday talk, people ask "friend or foe?" as a joke, or about someone whose motives are unclear. A frenemy is the person for whom the honest answer is "a bit of both".

Signs of a frenemy

• Their compliments come with a sting. "You look great, have you lost weight?"
• Your good news turns into a contest. You run your first 10K, and they mention their marathon.
• They share your private stories in a group, as a joke.
• They are warm when you are alone and cool when others are around, or the other way round.
• They seem more interested when things go badly for you than when they go well.
• You feel tired, or a little smaller, after you see them.
• You keep track of who called last and who paid, and so do they.
• You still like them, which is what makes it confusing.

If the sting mostly follows your good news, the friend may simply be jealous. Jealous friend covers the signs and the reasons.

Kinds of frenemies

Frenemies often fit one of a few familiar shapes.

• The rival. Good at the same things as you and always counting who is ahead.
• The backhanded fan. Praises you with a backhanded compliment that leaves you unsure if it was praise.
• The favor friend. Calls for help with a move, a ride or a loan, and then goes quiet.
• The two-faced friend. Lovely to your face and sharp about you to others.
• The old friend you have outgrown. You stay close out of habit, and both of you feel the distance.

Frenemy or friendly rival?

Some rivalry is good for you. A running partner who always beats you by a minute can make you faster. That is a friendly rivalry, and both people enjoy it.

It turns into a frenemy when it stops being fun for one person. Ask yourself a few honest questions. Do you both win sometimes? Can you both laugh about it? Do they cheer when you do well? If the answers are mostly no, and you often feel smaller after you see them, it may be more than a friendly game. If you are still not sure, signs of a bad friendship lists what to look for.

What to do about a frenemy

You do not have to end a friendship because it stings sometimes. Plenty of people keep a frenemy or two for years. These steps make it easier.

1. Notice the pattern. One sharp joke can be a bad day. The same sharp joke every month is a pattern.
2. Name it lightly. "Ouch, that one stung," said with a smile, often stops a habit the other person never noticed.
3. Share less. Keep your most private news for friends who handle it with care.
4. Change the setting. Some frenemies are easy one to one and hard in a group, or the other way round. Meet in the way that works.
5. Keep the good parts. If you love their humor or their company on trips, keep those and let the rest go.
6. Step back if it costs more than it gives. You can see someone less without a big talk or a dramatic ending.

If you step back and want a quiet line to mark it, there are calm fake friends quotes that leave names out.

The friend who is fun and still stings

Typeza gives any two people one of 16 relationship types, an idea it takes from socionics. In a few of them, one person's natural strengths land on the other's sore spots, and neither of them chose it. Some frenemy feelings start there. Three patterns are common.

The friend who is lovely alone and prickly in a group

A Vitalizer and a Guardian meet for coffee every other week. Just the two of them, they talk for hours about the people they love, their families and what is fair. At a party with others, small jabs start. The Vitalizer tells a funny story, and the Guardian corrects how it "really" went. The Vitalizer teases the Guardian for being so serious, and everyone laughs except the Guardian. Both go home a little hurt, and the next coffee is lovely again. This is Extinguishment: easy talk about the same subjects, but each reads them in a different way, and what works in private tends to turn sharp in front of others. These two do best when they keep the friendship one to one and sit at different ends of the table at parties.

The friend whose jokes always hit the same spot

An Analyst and a Commander have been friends since school. The Commander is quick, bold and always the first to act. At every party he teases his friend. "Ten years to pick a sofa." "Still reading the manual?" Everyone laughs, the Analyst too, and then he goes home and thinks about it for days. The pattern here is Supervision. The Commander is the Supervisor: his everyday style happens to hit the Analyst's weakest spot, which makes the Analyst the Supervisee. The Commander thinks it is harmless fun and has no idea it hurts. It helps when the Analyst says once, plainly, which joke stings, and when they meet for things they both enjoy, like a game or a match, where the Commander's speed is part of the fun.

The friend who calls when he needs a favor

An Ideator and an Organizer have known each other for years. The Organizer calls when he needs something: ideas for his wedding speech, a name for his boat, a new plan for the garden. The Ideator gets to work happily and sends twenty ideas by midnight. Then there are weeks of silence, and the Ideator starts to wonder if he is a friend or a free service. The Ideator is the Supplier here and the Organizer is the Orderer. An Orderer takes the help gladly and naturally wants more room than the Supplier, so the quiet weeks come from his need for space. It goes best when the Organizer sometimes calls with no request at all, and the Ideator says when he would simply like to meet.

Some frenemies come from plain rivalry. Two friends who are good at the same thing, like running, cooking or getting top grades, can push each other to do better and still keep score. When both enjoy the race, it stays friendly. When one person always feels smaller, it has turned into something else.

The frenemy feeling is less common in Duality, where each person's strength lands right where the other needs it. There is little to compete over and little that stings.

A pattern does not turn anyone into a frenemy. It explains why a kind person can still sting you, and why the same friend may feel easy to someone else.

Check what is going on between you and a friend

If one friend keeps stinging you, a name for the pattern can make it easier to talk about. Do the free friendship compatibility test yourself, then share your result's invite link with the friend in question. They answer on their own, about themselves, so nobody rates the other. With both of you done, your relationship type appears, plus the places where you tend to hurt each other by accident.

Questions people ask

What is a frenemy in simple words?

A friend who is also a bit of an enemy. You spend time together, and there is also rivalry, envy or small hurts between you.

What is the difference between a frenemy and a fake friend?

A fake friend pretends to care and does not. A frenemy usually does care, and also competes with you or hurts you in small ways. With a frenemy, both the friendship and the rivalry are real.

Can a frenemy become a real friend?

Sometimes. A frenemy friendship can ease once both people talk about the rivalry or stop comparing their lives.

Is frenemy a real word?

Yes. It goes back to at least 1891 and is in major dictionaries.

What is another word for frenemy?

People also say friendly rival, or call it a love-hate friendship. Love-hate relationship covers those mixed feelings in more detail.

What does archrival mean?

Your main rival, the one person you most want to beat, like the neighbor whose pumpkins always win at the fair. A frenemy is different, because a real friendship sits under the rivalry.

Sources

• Wikipedia, "Frenemy": "frienemies" in a Kansas newspaper in 1891, and Walter Winchell's use in 1953.
• Wiktionary, "frenemy": the blend of friend and enemy, and the spelling frienemy.
• Wikipedia, "Identification friend or foe": the system armies use to tell friendly aircraft from others.

Written by Virko Kask, founder of Typeza
Written with the help of AI tools.